I Never Expected to Lose Friends

A friend of mine said to make a list about how I planned to parent and then read it for a laugh a year or two down the line. There are many things on that list that totally did not happen as planned (that is a story for another day) but one of them was that I was not going to lose friends just because I was now a parent. Long story short, I totally did.

That doesn’t mean that I like my non parent friends any less. I often wonder what happened and hear countless moms complain that they have lost many non mom friends since having a baby. I suppose that the friendship just becomes harder because we are in different life stages? I can’t just make impromptu plans anymore. I was certainly not prepared to leave my child at home or with a sitter in the first year, so girls nights and baby unfriendly activities were out of the question. Especially due to the fact that I work full-time I am really not prepared to give up the little time I have with my child. If my child does not fit into your life then I suppose I no longer fit into your life? Harsh? Maybe. I think you would be surprised by how little time I actually get to spend with my child. Yes, now that my child is not attached to the boob as a semi permanent fixture it is a little easier to go out without him and maybe for special events I will consider going out without him but please understand that this is most certainly not my norm. Mom guilt is real. Also, as a mother who works full-time, I have a constant fear that I am missing out on key moments of my child’s life.
I must acknowledge that having my child around changes things. Now that he is getting older it is getting harder to just sit and chat and even more so if you have not brought along a child for mine to play with.
Then there is the issue of late nights – moms of little kids don’t get to sleep in – ever. Particularly if your husband is a MAMIL (middle-aged man in Lycra AKA a cyclist). Also add breastfeeding through the night and a bad sleeper on top of that and you will understand my hesitance to do anything that will keep me out past 21:30.
Then there are the times, I am so sure you can tell, that I am multitasking you while on the phone. Have you ever tried to keep a toddler alive and your house from being destroyed while having an in-depth conversation? Not always easy. You called me between 5pm and 7pm and can’t understand why my toddler is crying? These are the only two hours my child has with me each working day and although he is only one year old, he has already become super precious about those two hours. I may not have the guts to tell you, but so have I.
I love you and you are important to me. But please do not hate me if the next time we meet up its at a play park and the conversation changes between what we actually want to discuss and cheering on a toddler and assuring him that we are still interested in him too. I am sorry if I suddenly stop answering your text messages, my child has probably started crying , tried to do something dangerous, is about to fall, woke up, or something along those lines and needs his mommy.
As much as I want him to stay my little boy forever, he won’t. Soon my child will be a lot older and not need me as much and I promise we will then be brunching and having regular girls’ nights again. Until then, do you want to come over to our messy house for (store-bought) dinner and a marathon game of chase the toddler around the house until he collapses asleep? Thanks to those awesome friends who already do. This monologue by Mark Lottering is what I image you are thinking every time you visit.
I love this video from WhatsUpMoms. It totally explains the situation.
Did you lose any friends when you had children?

7 thoughts on “I Never Expected to Lose Friends

  1. I can agree with this on so many levels. I lost probably all my friends, and the funny part is that we all became parents around the same time. Think that is why I love my online mommy groups to maintain some of my sanity, although if I am honest, there are some moments when I would love some adult company. But in the same breathe, my toddler and hubby is all the company I need


    1. I suppose it is not just a change in life phase that can break a friendship. For me more than anything it has also been a drastic reduction of time to nourish friendships. I don’t care about anyone any less. What do you think made certain friendships hard to maintain for you?


    1. Mom guilt is the worst. I am realizing that the good friends are able to accept and embrace your kids. You’ll know better than me what happens as they get older but hopefully the good friends stick around.


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